TinyUnicorn

Reminiscing....

"...No, I don't wanna play that part..."

It's been a while since the last time I updated my blog.

Well, I always say that every time I got the chance to update things here. lol. Well, to be honest, I

didn't know why every time I update something here, it's always be the sad stories of mine.

Looks like I got more sad situations rather than some happy thingy huh?

Well, that's life, I guess. Seriously, I think I remembered anything that made me sad, rather

than remembering those things that made me happy.

Cause for me, it feels like things that make me smile, only happen idk, once a year, maybe?

Hell it won't last for a day! Like when I feel happy that morning, there's always a

thing happen at night that make me sleep with my tears falling down my cheeks. I hate it

when that happen. I meant, for God's sake, what the hell is wrong with me?

What have I done wrong with my life?

"....everyday is a punishment..."

Reminiscing.... that's what I'm doing lately. I thought about those things that made me sad, and hell yes, trying to remember those happy memories like hell..

Try to think of it, should or shouldn't I regret all? No... Imma keep everything inside me. Seriously, he stressed me out by saying that he is making it real between us, even without tittle, or label.

So, Okay.. Imma stick with that.. He told me that he loved me seriously, and there's no other than me.

I kept on pushing him, in term of his past relationship with that girl. Cause yes, right now I knew that, that girl are trying to get things back together just like her past. But Ajin told me that there's no way he'll be contacting that girl. He said that he won't be picking up someone's else left-over.

It's kinda harsh to say thing like that here. But in silent, Im happy that he thought of it like that.

It's also as his own reminder for not getting back with his past. I know the stories between both of them, and yes, their own personal stories. Ajin told me some of it as well. But nah, Im not gonna put my nose inside their stories. They have their own love story, so do I. So imma just gonna focus on mine. (yea, it does hurts me when I was thinking about their past)... They've known each other for years! But me, I only knew Ajin about 1years and 10months. So, I knew how it feels like to let go something that you've so much to remember...

"....finger's crossed and just let things happen...."

Only God knows how much effort I've put in our relationship...

now, he likes to say or call me with something that made me smile every time he does that.

Once, he called me like what he used to call me when we're a couple. He called me 'baby'... I stunned. Even its just from a phone call, but it seems unreal. He usually called me 'sayang' every time we're on-call or when we meet. But, that one day, seriously, he reminds me of our old relationship.. That moment, that exact time, he suddenly called me 'baby'... It felt like the time has freeze for a moment... Am I hearing thing? or is it just me?

No... he made me smile, for real, without any lies or just faking a smile.

He DID made me smile that day... Seriously, how I wish I can hear it once again.. Just for once.. but if he wanna say it over and over again, I won't mind that :) hehee.~

So, in return, I, myself did called him something that gonna remind him.. I called him 'dear'... Ya okay, his ego is higher, Gawd! hahaha. So he pretend to say that I like it when I call him like that, but actually, he was smiling too. I know laa from his voice. hahaha...

"....seriously, he did say that clearly..."

'Fiancee'....that's what he called me as well... But only for once... And he did asked me what kind of design that I would like for my ring... Is he asked me for real or what ?? Cause he shouldn't joke about things like that to me.. Im kinda sensitive.... lol.. Well, I meant, that is what every girl's can dream of, right?? And he ever asked me 'Bila mau tunang?' and 'Umur kao brapa kao mao tunang/kawin?'... Well, he will say that every time I get mad at him... and yeah, I smiled because of that too.. :)) Guess it's just a joke, huh? So i won't be mad at him anymore... Idk.~

"....finally, the feelings inside me, that can't be put in words..."

There's this one song in my phone that kept on shuffling to my ears recently... For me, this song used to be like any other Beyonce's singles.. But now, this song does make sense. The lyric, are the same as my bottled feelings right now. The feelings that I can't put up to words for a long time... And she pictured it perfectly with how I felt....here's some of the lyrics that seriously matched my feelings inside....And how I wish he knows how I feel.~

"...You're the only one I wish I could forget..The only one I love to not forgive..And though you break my heart...You're the only one..."

"...And though there are times when I hate you 'cause I can't erase...The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face...And even now while I hate you it pains me to say...I know I'll be there at the end of the day..."

"...Something that I feel I need to say... But up 'til now I've always been afraid...That you would never come around...And still I wanna put this out..."

"....You say you got the most respect for me... But sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me.. And still you're in my heart... But you're the only one"

"...And yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain... 'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away... Oh, but now I don't hate you, I'm happy to say.. That I will be there at the end of the day"

"...Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooh... I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah... Ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free... To spread my wings and fly away, away with you...'

Exactly.. this is exactly what I wanted to say to you... But Im afraid that you'll walk away from me... That is why I kept everything inside me... It's hurt to endure all things by myself, especially when the situations are caused by two people, you and me... But it hurts the most when it comes to another person... third party..

"....if I have to knees and beg, I would..."

Like what the quotes would say, 'Some bitches just don't know how to count..' Agree. Relationship are only for 2/TWO people.. Up until now, you never respect my relationship, girl... That is one of the reason why I lost my respect towards you...If I can stress this out to you, or if I have to knees and beg, I would... Let me have a happy life with him now... Even if he was not meant for me, It's okay.. Just let me finish this story between the two of us, me and him... Please...I don't want to play the Broken Heart-ed Girl... I know it's tougher for you, but please, it's over between the two of you.. Now it's my story with him... Do please respect that.. I don't mind if you wanna kept your memories with him forever, every girls would do the same... If he was meant for you, and not me, he'll come back to you... That's our faith.. No one can change God's will... No one.....

Tired with all the dramas...tired with my life...but still, im not gonna give up on him...never.~

Believe In Me - Demi Lovato

I'm losing myself tryin’ to compete
With everyone else instead of just being me
Don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak

I don't wanna be afraid

I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today

And know that I'm okay

‘Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way

So you see, I just wanna believe in me

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

The mirror can lie

Doesn't show you what's inside

And it, it can tell you you’re full of life

It's amazing what you can hide

Just by putting on a smile

I don't wanna be afraid

I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today

And know that I'm okay

‘Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way

So you see, I just wanna believe in me

I'm quickly finding out

I'm not about to break down, not today

I guess I always knew

That I had all the strength to make it through

And I cannot be afraid

I'm gonna wake up feeling beautiful today

And know that I'm okay

‘Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way

So you see, now, now I believe in me

Now I believe in me

Dear Saturday night............

There's lots of thing I wanna share with my dear blog.Again, after what he did last night, I still wanna talk to him and contacting him.
What's wrong with me? I wanna try to ignore him for a while, just to show him that I was mad at him with what he had done to me. But it turns out that I didn't look nor sound mad at all.
But actually I am! Well if I ask anyone, "Hey, what will you do or feel if the person you love stayed up late with 3 other girls, just stay, do nothing, but drinks together and chit-chat bla bla bla, spending time with others and not you bla bla bla"..
Whatchu guys gonna comment about it? Will you just like let it go, never mind him or what?? I need an opinions here. Cause what I only felt was rage, furious, mad, angry and urghh! none of it was a good one! He should knows it better than me! He can't just simply punish me and do things worst than me! OMG.

Kao betul2 buat darah saya naik smpai kepala ow. Kalau bole, mcam sya mao tarik2, tumbuk2 org seja ow. sangat bikin panas. Ntah kalau sya neh yang jnis mao balas juga, aih, malas sya mao cakap la. Nasib sya neh janis yg tidak suka balas org ow. Dear Karma! Please laaa muncul baaa. huhuhuhu. Jangan2 now pun dia have fun sama that 'K' girl.
Bullsht. Nahh. Bikin sya highblood eh.Hmm kalau laa saya sudah dapat lesen saya, tidak juga sya fikir sangat hal begitu. Bagus sya jalan and stay saturang2 kasi lepas stress. Stay di beach sampai dri petang smpai malam. Langsung teda fikir papa yang boleh bikin semak fikiran. Saya seja ba neh yang jenis terperap seja di rumah. Aihh. Saya penat ow orang layan sya bgini. Lama sya xrasa yang mcam kena layan mcam puteri (bukan jga la mao melebih2 sgt -_-) mksud sya, yang pandai fikir perasan sya ba. huhuhu.
I crave for that kind of attention ow. Ntah brapa lama sudah sya x rasa bgitu.
Balik2 saya seja mengalah dengan keadaan. Salah sya, saya minta maaf, yang bukan salah sya pon sya juga yang minta maaf.
Kenapa kao tidak pndai tgok tu?? Betapa takutnya sya mao hilang kao. Tapi lol jga laa, kao xpernah nmpak tu.

Kadang2 sya rasa usaha sya org xpernah nampak ow. Bukan lagi kadang2, tapi memang bgitu la ba selalu. Black sheep dalam family kan. Huhuhu. Sabar seja lah. Tidak lama juga neh sya rasa bgini. Kalau sya sudah bebas nanti, tgoklah kalau sya neh yang jenis amek berat pnya org lagi ka tidak. Kalau ya, bagus lah.
Klau tidak, sya buat org mcam angin seja tu. Huhuhu. Harap2 lah sya tidak kejam mcam tu. Hurm. But for now, just gonna keep on pray that my life will be better day by day. I didn't wish or asked for more dear God, just a little bit of happiness will do.
Im craving for that too.

Btw, recently saya ada cek kemasukan ke UPU. Saya try apply UMS. Sadly bahagian temuduga sya memang tidak tersenarai.
Tu untuk salah satu course yang sya amek la, which is Multimedia And Visual Art. Course yang lain blum ada temuduga, go gonna have to wait until mid of July.
If tiada juga, means sya apply UiTM laa. Taking the same course. Ada juga sudah sya survey2 kelayakan sya and memang byk yang course sya minat sya boleh dan comfirm dapat. LOL my dad lagi suruh amek Polis. What?? And be what? A policewoman? I meant, come on dad, I'll send to KL for like 6 months ow.. Well, it's gonna be a big journey for me, but saya rasa terlalu awal juga sya mao amek polis.
Saya betul2 mao continue my study at the university. Well, saya pernah juga la tebayang yang sya masuk U, pi kuliah dengan kawan2, and you know, looking so mature and indipendent gitu :)

Mao dekat jam 9 suda. lol my phone langsung teda sms or call.
Hmm see? Saya masi juga wait for him to find me. Hmmm apa laa mao jadi dengan kao neh enna.~ Saya selalu ow rasa kesian dengan diri saya. Selalu minta perhatian sama org.
Tapi sya langsung xdapat, terpaksa sya juga yang mula papa. Sangat lah mengecewakan kehidupan sya neh. And recently my friend, Elana, kena beli hp baru. iPhone 5. Huhu lucky her. Sudah la baru dapat lesen last year trus kena beli kreta besar. Huhu. Vios besar juga ba tuu tuk immature pnya driver. Saya?
Lesen pun teda, even kreta depan mata sudah. Hmm kancil Mira seja, tapi boleh laa :) Someday sya sudah kerja, saya akan dapt juga tu semua.
Hasil usaha duit gaji sya maa. Time tu teda sudah orang boleh ungkit2 atau mao cakap apa cause bukan sya guna duit dorang ba beli benda2 yang sya mau, kan?
Imma wait for that day! Yes! Hehehe :) I hope masa cepat la berlalu. I wanna grow up lagii!
Wanna reach my age goal yang baru, which is 23 :) Now 20, so ntah masih budak2 sya rasa. huhuhu. nvm la, masa tu pantas juga berlalu kadang2.
hehehe.

Okay lah, i guess tu seja laa sya mao cakap. lol sometimes sya rsa pa yg sya update mcam hampir sama seja. kan? huhuu. xpala, blog aku, sukati aku laa! Aisehh ayat :P hehe. Bye!

Unspoken things on my mind....

There are things that always be the one which is hard to explain yet to tell others. But that doesn't meant that I'm hiding that ONE big thing which I've never done. By saying this, I just wanna make it clear that people always have their own secret. And by that, it doesn't make any sense that you can accuse them to be the bad guy for having or keeping secrets. There's always a reason behind every action. Whether it is a good nor bad thing, only we, ourselves know and willing to take that risk.

Ya, sya mengaku saya takut untuk berterus-terang kadang2. Tapi itu x bermakna itulah diri saya. mungkin banyak kali suda saya buat, and I'm sorry for that. Really sorry.

Saya tahu akibat dia, and tu cuma kelegaan yang smentara org cakap. Tapi sometimes, we're facing a different person with different personality. And some people are very good with words, and they really good at manipoulating stuff. That is one of the type which is kinda hard for some people to be honest with. Even thou' it isn't the right thing to do, but try to see it in our way. You'll understand us, except if you don't wanna understand us literally, then you'll see us in only one way, 'a liar'.

I shouldn't be talking about this kind of thing, but I don't have the guts to share it with anyone, even thou' the person whom I really bond with. Best friends? Do they really gonna understand me? Real friends? Do they really gonna support me? True Friends? Will they be here and comfort me? Family? I love them so much, but I don't think that they will understand me neither. Seriously, Im like a black sheep on this family.

I really wanna share things with them, but for what they see it, all the things that I say is only a rubbish to them. wasting time and doesn't make any sense. That is why I rather kept things by myself. I feel better that way. But the consequences? You gotta endure anything yourself.

Sometimes I was wondering, If someday I die in any accident. A car crash for an example, will they cry for me? Or they'll be so relieve that less one person that is always so damn annoying and make their life's hard has gone forever from this world. I wonder how they feel about it. Nah, I think that's too much. Like I said, millions of things are inside my damn head. I got lots of things, a better one to think about. But I just can't help it. See? This is the reason why I really need somebody to talk to.

Ahh feelings.. Better wrote them here than share it with anyone else. They'll just giving an advice WHICH I would consider myself as a better Psychiatric. I'm a good adviser, you know? Especially when it comes about love life. LOL. My cousins always seek for my advice thru' Whatsapp. And when I didn't reply them, they'll seek me thru' FB messages. Even my workmate also did the same too! :D I guess experiences taught us a lot of things, huh? Yeah.~ And the funny thing is, none any of my advice are suits me. I meant, I did gave lots of advice to people, but I've never really used them to myself. IDK why.

I guess that is all for now. I just wanna update something here. Its been a while since the last day I updated things here. Last night I slept around 5+ am. Or should I say, this morning? lol. Silly me, I drank the whole glass of coffee.

Now I know why people are depending on coffee to make them stay up late. Adult thingy, I don't give much attention to it before, and now I know.

Simple Giveaway by Nina & Hani

Assalamualaikum , Alhamdulillah akhirnya terlaksana juga nak adakan Giveaway yang simple tetapi hadiah yang lumayan . Semoga GA ini berjalan dengan lancar dan semua dijemput untuk join . GA kali ini 2 blogger berkolabrasi bersama . Diyana Hani dan Mazelina Zaini .

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Why me....

I have a lot things to say right now, but I dunno where to start.
Sekarang hidup sya betul2 mengingatkan saya peristiwa yang sya betul2 mao elak dalam hidup saya. Perkara yang berlaku di tahun 2012 berulang balik.
A situation where I was being left again. I don't know why so sudden he became like that. Sejak Jumaat yang lalu. Is it because of the election fever? hell non-sense.
He said that I was so hard to trust and cheating behind him. What. I've never done such thing to him. I admit that I've been lying to him and that thing is already over.
That is just because I've been contacting other guys and he felt that I was so easy going with them. But that doesn't make me fall for any of them.
I was just throwing out those boredom i felt since he left me.
And that is when I know the reason why. He said he was having a hard time to have a commitment that time.
Okay, I understand. But what makes my heart torn into a million pieces is when I found out that he was staying with his ex, SF.
But it's okay. I forgave him for that, but surely won't forget about it. Never. Even thou' I really wanna say it and mention it back to him so damn hard so he knows how I felt all this time! Anger, suffocated, dying, stressful and bla3 so many things going on my head that time!

But I can't blame him. It's was my fault too for doing that to him. If I was at his place, I will feel the same thing too.
Who would want the person that we love and care to chat with other people,right? I wasn't saying that we need to control them all the time. But in a Relationship, that was a normal thing, right?
He should have known better what has he's been doing behind my back too. Staying with that girl not for 2/3 days, but almost a week? What Am I to you??
I was trying to be a better girlfriend to you, or maybe, a better soul'mate. But why did this thing happened to me??
Why can I just have a normal relationship like others?? I'm not complaining with what I have now. But still, I keep on shut things behind my own back? Do you know how hard it was to do things like that?? huh??
You have NO IDEA! Seriously, NO IDEA!

When will you realize that I was still waiting for you here? In silent? Can you do that?? NO! cause you have no clues at all! Its hard being a girl, you know? Am I just a stupid 20 years old girl to you? Is that what you think?? Hey, I just want you to understand me, like how I was trying to understand you. You have a special personality. And I think that what makes me wanna get close to you more, even thou' it was so hard to get to you.
You know how hard you are, right? You've a short memory, but still very careful. And ya, ko memang cerewet la. huhu. Hey, i like that character of you. :)

Sekarang neh saya bagi ko ruang untuk have your own time. Saya tdak mau ko fed-up dengan saya. Saya betul2 tidak mau kehilangan kau Ajin. Kau lah lelaki pertama dan terakhir untuk sya. Jodoh memang di tangan tuhan, tapi kalau saya berusaha, saya yakin yang jodoh saya tu, kau. Paling lama lah relation saya dengan kau. 1years 8months. Saya tau ko lagi ada relation yang lebih lama. But hey, bagi saya it was like a million years. And I still counting the days. I just really want you to know that I still wait for you. Maybe someday, you'll understand me, maybe? I can wait. Yeah! I will always wait for you, Ajin. Don't make me give up on you. I admit that sometimes I've already reached my limit the time we fought. But I kept on going and always forgive you. It is so hard to do so. But when it comes to you, everything seems okay, yea, I know I can pass through this.

Tu yang selalu saya bagitahu hati saya. "Bertahan selagi kau mampu, enna". Saya bangga juga lah sebab biar lepas apa kau buat belakang sya slama neh pon, saya masih bole kc maaf and terima kau. Saya selalu minta maaf dengan kau. Bukan bermakna saya tahu kau selalu akan kasi maaf saya. kau pun ada had limit kau sendiri, saya pun bgtu juga. Saya even pernah kasi malu diri saya sendiri depan kau, supaya ko terima saya. Saya bukan obsess atau terdesak dengan kau. Banyak lagi lelaki di luar yg also tunggu saya terima dorang. Tapi saya betul2 tidak dapat kasi lepas kau. Selama saya dengan kau lah sya kenal and tau dunia luar macam mna. Banyka kenangan yang kau bagi sama saya Ajin. Sangat banyak..
Saya pernah mimpi yang kita travel neh dunia sama2. Best :) And yang paling cute tu, saya mimpi yang kita ada kluarga sudah :) With our 1st daughter, Rienna. Kau yg bagi tu nama, ingat? Kau gabung nama kau,'Rien' and nama saya 'Enna' and it became 'Rienna'. You've always liked that name, kan? Before we met pon kau ada cakap yang kau mau kasi nama ur daughter Rienna. And then we met. You said that kita memang ada jodoh sama2. Those things makes me smile.

God, please do give me strength to pass all this. Amin.~

Right now I need to focus more on my study. Yea, I've decided to continue my studies. Hope I can enter the University. I've chosen UMS, taking Sarjana Muda Seni Visual dan Teknologi. Really hope I can get it. But IF i dont get it, I'll try to apply to UiTM. Taking the same course. So wish me luck in my life, and my study. :)

***I Love You, Ajin. Will always do..

Hey Hey, Im Here! :D

Hey Guys! Glad you have the time to visit me here :D
Remember what I've posted recently on my facebook? YES! I'm searching for some 'chingus' that wanted to be ONE of my awesome friends here.
See that button above titled 'Gallery'? Yes, there's the section where I wanna out you guys there :D
But I need your permission first to grab one of your photo to be display there. Imma also gonna put your FB's link or any other social webpages that you have there ;)
So visit my FACEBOOK to comment me there if you wanna be part of my Chingus' section.

Takecare!